I haven't posted for a few days. There are a couple of reasons. One is that I was surprised no one offered any comments to my last post. I was genuinely desperate for help. Two, I'm struggling. In the past week Marcus has escalated his "accidents". My back door screen is missing, we needed a new fish tank because he cracked the old one by putting a plate down too hard next to it, and his glass iMac computer screen was shattered when he lost control of a big stick he was spinning around in his room. His response was that "it still works!" So not the point. Then his OCD kicked in and he HAD to systematically remove all the glass no matter what I said. He had a full blown tantrum and destroyed his room over I don't even remember what. I know there are other things that I am not even remembering now.
I'm starting to have that numb feeling again. A friend of mine told me today that he thinks Marcus needs to go into a group home. I don't know how I feel about this. I'm surprised that I didn't immediately say or even think "no". Then I'm seized by guilt. What kind of mother am I to even think about placing him in a group home? I'm supposed to be able to do this. But I remember realizing that Marcus needed more support than I knew how to give when we placed him in residential. Are we back there again?
Just as I hit the question mark, Marcus burst into my office making me shriek in surprise. It's midnight and he was supposed to be asleep 2 hours ago. "Just to let you know, the glass in my lamp broke". What? Evidently he was reaching for a mint and caught the cord. Another "accident". I yelled at him. I'm so tired of yelling at him.
I'm starting to have that numb feeling again. A friend of mine told me today that he thinks Marcus needs to go into a group home. I don't know how I feel about this. I'm surprised that I didn't immediately say or even think "no". Then I'm seized by guilt. What kind of mother am I to even think about placing him in a group home? I'm supposed to be able to do this. But I remember realizing that Marcus needed more support than I knew how to give when we placed him in residential. Are we back there again?
Just as I hit the question mark, Marcus burst into my office making me shriek in surprise. It's midnight and he was supposed to be asleep 2 hours ago. "Just to let you know, the glass in my lamp broke". What? Evidently he was reaching for a mint and caught the cord. Another "accident". I yelled at him. I'm so tired of yelling at him.
I know what you mean about being tired of yelling at your son. I went through similar feelings with my son who also has TS and OCD. Most of Jacob's anger and aggression was taken out on me though. We are past that now and I wish I had an answer for you...a way to handle these times, these feelings. All I can do is to say that you are not alone in any way. The feelings are honest and you are entitled. You are human afterall. There were so many times I would "hide" from Jacob - just find ways not to be around him because he exhausted me so much and caused me so much frustration and guilt as a parent. Hang in there. I'm here if you need to talk to someone.
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