Alternative Narrative

A friend recently suggested that a possible activity for our family would be to construct an alternative narrative to the negative one currently surrounding Marcus. What a thought! I can't believe I didn't think of it.

The idea is to put together a book of fun family memories. We certainly have those. So, my future posts will focus on telling some of those positive, fun stories. 

Still struggling

Marcus continues to struggle in residential. He can go for days, even a week, without incident but then erupts into a tantrum that results in restraints. He's managed not to be taken to the hospital for almost two weeks until last night. He still can't manage a "no" or a firm limit. This time the limit was that he couldn't come for a home visit if he'd had a restraint within three days of the visit. He has restraints on Tuesday night and Wednesday morning so we enforced the rule. That did it.

He ended up in the hospital. He called me from there last night with a passionate argument for why residential isn't working. He still blames them for everything and doesn't see his own role or that attacking people isn't the appropriate reaction to whatever is going on. He says he's going on a med, food, and shower strike until he gets released from the hill. He even said he would run if given the opportunity. I couldn't get him to see his role.

I tossed and turned all night worrying that he'd bolt once he was released from the hospital. Turns out he's still there at almost 2:30 today. I just can't see the light that should show me the right thing to do. He's got to get this behavior under control. Soon, it will become criminal and he would never survive jail. He's still only about 9 years old emotionally. I worry all the time.

Anxiety

Marcus had a good week (no restraints, no MHAs) until he knew when his Thanksgiving home visit would be. Poor guy got overly anxious about messing up while at home and had several outbursts. He's worried about stealing food and disappointing us. I feel for him worrying so much about making a mistake. How do we ensure he will be successful? I talked to him on the phone to see whether he wanted to shorten the visit, but he didn't. Mostly he wants to have our usual Thanksgiving ritual (ritual is very important to him) and most importantly, he wants to stay long enough to eat all the pie! Wish us luck.

From bad to worse

I hate to be always updating with bad news, but...

Marcus began to really struggle his third week at Hillside. He ended up having such serious tantrums that they called the police and the police took him to the hospital for a mental hygiene arrest. I think this happened four times in about eight days. The last one was only four hours after he had been brought back to the cottage. Things just kept escalating. It was really horrible to think of him in handcuffs going back and forth to the hospital. It became time to admit him.

He's been in the Strong Child and Adolescent Psychiatric unit at Strong hospital since Wednesday. So far he's only had minor agitation, no violent tantrums. But they haven't integrated him into the schedule yet so he hasn't come up against any significant limits yet. Echoes of his stay at John's Hopkins when he was ten are running through my head.

I am not sure why this has happened but I'm thinking that he's testing the limits to see how far they will go. Both the hospital and Hillside have firm limits and he tantrums when he hits them. Morris and I got into a pattern of negotiating the "no" so that we avoided tantrums, but this clearly has not helped him. It could also be a medication issue. The "hill" increased Ritalin and Haldol so that change also could have contributed. No one really knows yet.

This is the last hope for Marcus. He must learn to live with a "no" or he won't be able to be on his own, go to college, or get and keep a job. I still have the goal that he can live without institutional supervision but I'm terrified that he won't be able to. All I can do now is hope that Hillside can turn him around. Several staff have said they've worked with kids even worse than Marcus and have seen them turn around. Please let this be true for my son. 

In Residence

Marcus has been in residential placement for a few weeks now. The first week went well for him. He even called me the second day to say that he had earned 95 out of 100 on the behavior scale. Wow. What a difference from last year. He was suspended from school the first day last year. I had a tremendous mix of feelings. I know that this is the right thing to do, but the lack of incidents made me think he didn't need placement, that they would all be wondering why he was there. My therapist reminded me that placement is the "medicine" he needs and that it works doesn't mean he doesn't need it.

Well, the first week was a honeymoon.

The next week went a little differently. He began to struggle with limits and with building relationships with peers - both key reasons why he needs placement. Tantrums ensued as did property damage. Remember that, while only 15, Marcus is 6'6" and about 250 pounds. A mild tantrum can end up with lots of damage. Staff did call me, but not to have me come get him (my fear). They were informing me of restraints and asking me about the nature of his tantrums. They were doing their jobs. The worst part was that the week got worse as it went along and they ended up having to call the police who did a mental health arrest. That it's not a psychiatric issue complicates things because he doesn't need a psychiatric admission. As a result, he ended up spending all night in the psych unit lobby and going back to the cottage at 6 am. I realize they had to do it, but still. The hardest part for me was that they didn't want me to go to the hospital. It would have been interpreted as reinforcement and they have to establish the limits with Marcus firmly. I felt like I was in a weird limbo knowing my son was in the hospital but not going to be with him.

He came home for his weekend visit nonetheless (but with the understanding that if he has another week like this he wouldn't be coming for a home visit) and it was okay except for one glaring incident. Since he's been gone, my husband and I have begun to leave the locks we have on some doors (locks to keep Marcus out) open. We forgot to lock the attic lock in time for his visit. That's where we keep the sharp kitchen knives as part of our safety plan since Marcus threatened me with a knife some time ago. I don't think Marcus was home two hours before he had gone into the attic and taken all the knives into his room. I found out by going into his room without knocking (not my usual practice) and caught him. Scared me to death. His explanation was that he needed them to play "demigod". I believe him but I also know that things could turn quickly into a dangerous situation.

He still needs minute by minute supervision. We can't forget even for one minute. Another reason why residential placement is needed right now. It's a last ditch effort for Marcus to be able to live in community. Soon he'll be an adult and the police won't hospitalize him if he's violent in community...they'll shoot him.

Aaaaaah

It's worth repeating...Aaaaaaaah!

Marcus will be moving into residential placement this coming Tuesday. I feel like I got kicked in the stomach. I thought I had this handled. All the rationales were in place. Experts at OMH had determined that he was eligible for an RTF placement. The RTF itself admitted him. We went for an intake visit and Marcus has been for several very successful transition visits while we waited for a spot to open up. He knows kids there and his good friend from Crestwood is in another unit. They have a culinary program that he is totally looking forward to attending. He wants to go. I thought I was fine.

I felt guilty, of course. Guilty that, once again, "we" as parents couldn't give him what he needed to get his behavior under control. Guilty that secretly I was looking forward to him going in. Guilty that I am mad at him so much and that I am mad at my husband because it feels like he wants him to go in a little too much. But even with all this I was thinking I had things in much better hand than last time.

Then I got the phone call that there would likely be a bed this week or next. Boom. My stomach immediately went into knots and has stayed there since the call. My mood darkened and has also stayed there. I didn't go to a work meeting yesterday because I felt like I would be unnecessarily irritable and figured it was better to stay home. Now, though, I'm not wanting to go out at all. I forced myself to go to knit group last night which was good. I felt better afterwards for sure. Thanks Jenny.

Today the call came that the bed is ready and we have a move in date. The good news is it comes after Marcus's birthday on Sunday so we can celebrate that at home. It's all good news really. So why do I feel so awful?

Why so negative?

I've been thinking lately that most of what surrounds Marcus is negative. I find that I usually answer "no" to his questions or tell him that I don't want to hear yet another "what if" question. Last night my oldest son Eric came over and he was emphatically negative, saying things like "nobody wants to hear your comments." This kind of negativity must weigh heavily on Marcus. It's true he's annoying, but no one deserves that level of negative feedback. Plus he can't help most of what he does. No wonder he acts out. He must have become accustomed to only negative attention and now only seeks that kind out. How do I turn this around? Clearly we have all slid into this trap. If it's only me shifting, it won't work. Any suggestions?

Totally stressed out

I have to say that today I am totally stressed out. Marcus's relentless behavior and attitude has me by the throat. Just for today ... he dumped all the salt out of the container, then destroyed the container. He called from the bus to school saying he was bored. He called about an hour later to tell me that his phone "was broken". Was broken in the passive voice, like he wasn't the one who broke it. Another student in his class was having her own issues (remember he is in day treatment where all the kids have issues) and got on his nerves so he snapped his phone in two pieces. Then he was mad that he didn't have a phone so he pulled the fire alarm. And it's only 10:00 in the morning. 

Sigh

I haven't posted in a while because it felt like all I was doing was talking about all the things Marcus did wrong. I was waiting for a time when things smoothed out. Unfortunately, that time didn't come.

Today was a doozy. There have been a few of these of late. He rampaged through the building focusing on harassing his teacher. Spitting at him, poking him, pushing him, and pounding on his classroom door. He called me a few times but refused to talk about anything, even hanging up on me after calling me a bitch. Mortified doesn't really cover how I feel. Frankly, I'm feeling numb at the moment.

The paperwork has gone in for residential placement and the resultant change of school. I feel like we just have to hang on until this placement occurs, but the hanging on is difficult at best. I'm worried about how far Marcus might go. He told me that he did this today because we are neglecting him at home and that this is the only way he can get our attention. He went right for my heart on that one.

It hit me in the heart because he's not wrong. Neglect, no, but we basically try to get through each day with the least amount of drama. What results is that we don't go anywhere together and we sort of parallel play at home: Morris gaming, me knitting, and Marcus watching TV or gaming. His comment today makes me feel horribly guilty. It's all we can handle though.

Past my wit's end.

Bad Mom syndrome again

I felt like a bad mom again last night. When I got home after work, the puppy and Marcus both came at me guns a blazin' before I even put my purse down. I reacted by yelling at Marcus, "Can't I even get my purse down?!" and then walking away. But I pet the puppy and gave him a ton of attention.

Now I realize Marcus is 14. But he's a young 14 and he just wanted my attention. He's been amazing lately at school and at home. He's focused, getting his work done, even walking away from another kid who teased him - all unheard of just a few short weeks ago. And he's been doing his chores without us asking!

I did go back to him and ask about his day and tried to make up for the initial outburst, but still feel really guilty. I should be grateful he's still happy to see me at the end of the day and that he wants to spend time with me. My older kids wanted nothing to do with me when they were teenagers.

Does this mom guilt ever stop?

Procrastinating

I've been procrastinating doing some leg work for residential placement. I need to call Easter Seals to get Marcus set up for some evaluations and testing but I just stare at the phone number. He's been doing really well lately and my "you're a bad mom if you do this" voice is loud and constant. I'm supposed to be able to deal with my own child, right? He's not violent like the last time he went into placement so I am having a hard time justifying it. I don't even know any more that I should go through with it.

People say I should, but are they right? I keep seeing Marcus's face and imagining how disappointed he'll be that we are still working on residential. He's been working hard to avoid it and I think he will be crushed. That has to count for something, doesn't it?

Good times

We've been in a stable, even good, time of late. Marcus has been doing pretty well at school. It's a day by day thing. Most days, he does his work and stays out of trouble. Some days he might get a bit irritated, but has been able to recover before it gets to full blown tantrum.

At home, he's been on an upswing as well. Of course he's still 14 which means we get the neck and a lot of sassy attitude, but overall he's been pleasant. He's got some verbal tics that can be startling - he suddenly shouts nonsense words. But they're just tics. I'm pretty used to having weird noises. He's been doing his chores without too much complaint even.

Not sure whether this is a developmental thing and we have turned a corner or whether we are just in an upswing. Whatever it is, I'll take it.

Worried

I've committed to writing honestly in this blog and to telling the whole story of living with Marcus. But, today I am hesitant, back to feeling like hiding. Marcus did something that was an "accident" but I am having a hard time with it.

The end result was that boiling water ended up on the puppy. After much yelping and my panicking, Marcus says he was testing the spaghetti (he was cooking) and took a step back and tripped over the puppy. Water spilled from the spoon onto the dog. Now, the puppy does get under your feet and we trip or he gets stepped on (he's still learning about feet). So the accident piece could be reasonable. But...

All of his "accidents" have reasonable explanations. But are they really accidents? Is he really that much of a clumsy, not knowing his own strength kid? I think that partly he is, but I am totally freaked about the hot water on the dog. What if he did it on purpose?!

Gym destroyer

We had several good weeks with the new behavior mod idea, but...he destroyed the gym on Thursday. He had started not to care so much about getting ice cream at home. I was prepared for that and have asked what other something he would like but haven't gotten an answer yet.

His teacher will be on medical leave in a few days but Marcus seems okay about it. Remember that, for Marcus, all change is bad so I am worried about such a big change. While the teacher may not think so, Marcus really likes him and his leaving will likely be upsetting. However, Marcus knows the sub. Mostly he's worried about Mr. Anderson. He really is a tender soul once you get past the tantrums.

Got some really helpful comments about whether we should head back to residential placement. So far, everyone thinks we should do it. When we had a string of good days, I got cold feet. But, we are going ahead with the process, meaning we have tons of paperwork to fill out and then we have to see whether OMH will approve it. If they don't, we'll try going to CSE. Either way, there has to be a spot in residential so we may have a long wait time. Marcus was trying not to go by focusing on staying cool at school, but that seems to have been too much for him. We'll have to see what next week holds, then it's winter break.

Well, I'll be

Darned if good ol' behaviorism didn't have an effect! I am most certainly not a behaviorist and I have heard all the stuff about not using food as a reward, but when you have tried everything else...

About two weeks ago, I agreed with school folks to try a coordinated effort to curtail some of Marcus's destructive behavior at school. He had destroyed another classroom and did so on the very day I had gone in for a meeting. I even went into his room to try and calm him down. It worked for a while, but he escalated again and got suspended. It was at his re-entry meeting that we came up with the plan.

If he earned 10 PBIS tickets (it's now up to 17) and was not violent, he would get Phish Food ice cream and soda when he got home from school. With a few moments of irritation at other kids and some procrastination behaviors, he has had no episodes since then. He's even attended most of his class time and did the work. I'm going to say that one again - he's attended class and done the work.

Not sure what else to say. He's still obviously a ton of work, but no desks have been destroyed since I bought the Phish Food.

Over the top

I've procrastinated writing because Marcus has been so over the top. One incident is so out there that I think I should stop telling people. The look on their faces makes me realize how much chaos I have become used to. I wasn't even surprised when it happened. Grossed out and pissed off, but not surprised. I'll tell it one last time.

There is a boy in Marcus's class that he has recently targeted. I have to admit that Marcus is a bully. Nothing this kid can do is okay with Marcus and, according to Marcus, it's all this kid's fault. (His lack of responsibility taking drives me crazy). So the day before yesterday, Marcus took this kid's cap, went to the bathroom, pooped, and wiped his ass with the cap. <pause> I mean, what are you supposed to do with something like that?! Typical consequences seems silly. Of course we had them but they seemed silly and it didn't stop Marcus from continuing to harass this kid to the point of getting suspended. He didn't get suspended for bullying, but for the violent tantrum he had when the school removed him from the classroom. More property destruction.

At home things haven't been that great either. The list includes a broken antique window (threw the dog toy too hard) and a bathroom door off its hinges (opened it too hard). One good thing is that we got a new puppy (rescued pit bull from a local fighting ring), but I'm worried about Marcus and the puppy. Yesterday he hurt him when he pulled the toy too hard out from under his leg. All of these are what Marcus calls "accidents". I don't buy it. But then what does that mean about the dog? Am I totally fooling myself? And Marcus brandished a knife at the skill builder (see last entry). Am I in denial about how dangerous Marcus is?

I am starting to think about residential placement again. I know, I've been here before and didn't do it. But it's four months at Halpern and I am not seeing growth. He recognizes what he's done wrong in the moment, does the restitution work, but repeats the behavior or comes up with another one that's worse the very next day. Remember the poop? Forget about academics.

I need someone to tell me the right thing to do. Any takers?