Going well

Just a quick update to let you know that Marcus is doing really well on the trip to California. The plane flight was uneventful. There was boredom for sure, but no worrisome behavior. Time with family has been great. He's still too loud and can get antsy and paces, but all has gone really well. He's been charming with my mother, helping her get around. He's like a different kid. So far so good. We have another two days and then we're back on the plane home. Keep your fingers crossed that the rest of the trip goes as well as it has so far.

Merry Christmas to all.

Three months in

Well, we are three months into the six months Marcus has been on the ACD. Mostly, he has avoided violence. He's had the few incidents I have already written about but no police. I'm hoping that this hard work with get noticed by Halpern, his home high school. So far, they are reticent to take him back. Maybe reticent is too light a word - they are not willing to take him back at this point. Although, I haven't heard lately whether his mostly positive behavior has changed their minds. I plan on contacting them myself after the holiday break to begin a conversation about his return.

Another piece of good news is that his usual one-to-one aide is back working with him. I'm so glad. She really cares about Marcus and knows his sweet side. Marcus says she's more distant than before though. I told him that's understandable given how he has treated her. Hopefully, he will earn back her trust.

... Just a brief update.

Hanging on

Marcus is white knuckling this six months until his court case is resolved. It's been two months and things have been sort of okay. But the last couple of weeks have been hard for him. He had an incident with his one to one where he held her in a room and grabbed her. A police report was filed, but no arrest. The poor woman was terrified. I feel terrible for her and am disappointed that they might not be working together anymore. She was wonderful.

And he really struggled with a peer. The kid's parents were upset enough to want to press charges against Marcus. I ended up having a meeting with them where both boys came to talk things through. We managed to avoid calling the police, but it was close. The father started to get pretty aggressive with me until I pointed out to him that I was doing everything possible. After all, my son is in residential placement (as is his). I left feeling glad that we avoided the police, but still felt really beat up.

Have decided to take Marcus home to California for Christmas. I know...what was I thinking?! Especially since my husband has to work and I'll be doing this on my own. I guess I felt like I can't just keep him in the house all the time and that it's been many years since he's seen his extended family. I'm mostly worried about the plane flight but plan on asking his doctor for some Valium or some other drug that will calm him for the flight. Wish me luck.

A cool thing

I just got an email from Marcus's clinician telling me that they have "discovered a hidden talent" in him. Evidently, he's been visiting another teacher's room to talk with her and she discovered his amazing reading ability and his vast reading interests. So, when he's appropriate, he goes into her room to read to the students. Wow. I find this really cool and heartening. Now that's the Marcus I see in there!

Sliding downhill

Seems like we've been going backwards lately. Marcus got arrested the day after he turned sixteen. In New York State, that means he goes to adult jail and adult criminal court. He was in one of his usual tussles with staff during a tantrum and kicked a staff member. That staff member pressed charges. Marcus spent the night in adult lock up and had a court hearing the next day in front of Judge Yacknin. I can't even describe my feelings. I was panicked and stoic at the same time. No crying, just racing heartbeat. I worried all night.

The next day at court was horrible. Not because the result was bad (a postponement while I got a lawyer; they let Marcus out), but because of the whole process. As much as I hate to say it, we were with a parade of troubling humanity - rapists, harassers, drunk drivers... and there was my son. Despite being 6'8 now, he's just a boy, a young boy at that. When he saw me in the room, I actually thought he was going to smile and wave like I was an audience member at a school performance. I quickly gestured for him to be quiet.

In the end, after several court dates (equally horrible) and thousands of dollars, he received what is called an ACD (adjournment in contemplation of dismissal). What it means is that he had six months to behave after which the case will go away and his record expunged.  Six months is a VERY long time for Marcus. He's gone as long as two months without an episode, but six months?!  All I can really do is hope and pray. And continue our weekly plan for weekend visits. If he doesn't get into a restraint, he comes home Friday to Sunday. He can come home every Sunday no matter what. So far this plan seems to support him getting through a week.

Since the resolution, he's had a good two weeks, although he did hit a staff member in the back. He claims the staff member grabbed his book and called him a "bitch". Says he reported it but nothing happened. We've devised a plan for him to document any times he feels abused by staff so that we can see whether there is a pattern. I'm not sure whether there is, but after the staff pressed charges I wonder.

I wonder why someone who is paid to work with this population would consider pressing charges? I was especially concerned when Marcus said the man told him, "ha, now you're going to jail." What?! So now we're documenting, which I hope stops Marcus from acting out if someone does say something untoward.

So there you have it...why I haven't posted too much recently.

Something positive

We are onto the third week of positive behavior and activities. I'm keeping my fingers crossed but history keeps me on my toes.

Some positives:

• My niece Haydin is in town for writing camp and they are getting along really well. I was so pleasantly surprised since last year didn't go so well. In fact, today we are going to pick Marcus up and go see the new Percy Jackson movie so they can spend some time together. Not a usual activity for sure, but one earned. 
• Marcus and I went to the local Park Ave. fest and he used his allowance to buy a gift for his one-to-one aide. He really is a sweet kid. I love having times with him when this side of his personality comes through. 

All in all it's been a good three weeks. I am too jaded to exhale just yet however. But...you never know. 

Continued drama

Well we have continued the slide down this week. Marcus broke a pair of scissors and brandished them at his one-to-one aide, scaring her and everyone else. They called the police. While talking to the police, Marcus said he wanted to die. That ended up with a trip to the hospital for a mental health arrest. Of course, all they did was restrain him (he lost it) and keep him there for hours, and then send him back to the unit. Although, I have to say I'm glad they didn't take him to jail.

I'm so worried. Marcus is really struggling with suicidal ideation, it turns out. He told me that he decides everyday not to kill himself because he can't stand to leave me <tears>. I'm also worried that he is not understanding that the direction he is going will land him dead or in jail. With the Zimmerman verdict, I'm even more concerned that the police or some other crazy person will shoot him. Marcus doesn't yet understand what it means to be Black in this country.

I'm just all around worried. Worried about him hurting himself...about jail...about someone else hurting him. I have two upcoming meetings on the hill this week where I will express, once again, these worries, and insist that we push back his discharge until this stuff gets under control. Maybe "under control" is too hopeful, but something else has to happen before he comes home. 

Worst nightmare

My worst nightmare came true this week. I have been terrified of Marcus going to jail, especially as he approaches 16 years old. The behaviors he exhibits can put him into jail where he'd be tried as an adult. One thing that I didn't expect was that the fire department can make the decision to have him arrested. He smashed the fire alarm in his room this week and they did arrest him. He ended up spending the night in juvenile hall. He was transported in handcuffs.

The next day we had to appear in court to know what would happen to him. This time they transported him in shackles. After waiting several hours in the lobby, we went before the judge. Luckily, the fire department didn't press charges (they had a lawyer there). We didn't have a lawyer (but clearly should have had one) so the lawyer who happened to be there took care of Marcus's case. It took all of two minutes for the judge to release him. Now he's on probation.

I am still not clear about all my feelings. As a mother, I was terrified of what would happen to him in jail. He's just not prepared for that environment. While he's chronologically 15, he's only about 10 developmentally. I was afraid that the other kids would eat him alive. But they kept him separate from the general population, which was a relief. I'm mad that the cottage let it get this far. I would rather they put him in a restraint than have him pull the fire alarm again, especially now that he's on probation. I'm worried as hell about this happening again.

For now, he's out and at home for the weekend. I'm relieved but worried.

Catching up

It's been a while since I've posted, mostly because life has been happening. Marcus remains in residential at Hillside although we are working actively toward discharge. What that means is we've set a target for September (pushed back from June due to his behavior) and we are having bi-monthly "family" meetings. In fact, I've just come from that meeting.

We arrived for our 1:00 meeting to find that Marcus was in the time away room and was coming close to getting in a restraint. Imagine his surprise when they opened the door and there Morris and I stood? I pointed out to him the irony that we were here for a discharge meeting and he was in time away.

The meeting went well enough I suppose. Marcus remains fixated on finding excuses for his behaviors and on pointing out what we are not doing at home that he wants us to do. We, rather I, remain fixated on him stopping his violent behaviors. He has gone as long as two months but then explodes. I just can't have him exploding like that at home.

Not to mention that when he turns 16 in September, these behaviors become illegal. He simply won't survive jail. An explosion on the street would get him shot by police. Jail or death are simply not acceptable as options, so I'm pushing back on release from residential. Call me a bad mom, but I won't survive those options.

Crossing my fingers

Marcus has had almost a month of no restraints! This after a move to a different cottage that I was really worried about. Change is always bad for Marcus and I was worried he would regress in his behavior. Turns out the change didn't provoke this and may have instead provoked some positive developments. We've even been talking about discharge. Wow. Keeping my fingers crossed. 

New year with new Marcus

Happy new year to all!

Marcus has declared that he "gets it" and will now be working for discharge. I think it is monumental that he can finally see that he has a role to play in his own treatment. Maybe it's a developmental leap, I don't really know, I just know it's a good thing. Since making this declaration he has cleaned his room (and maintained it for the most part) and not had any more police calls or trips to the hospital in handcuffs. This is totally huge, as you know. His home visits have been good. Christmas is always his most excitable time so we had some pacing and some stream of consciousness talking, but that was it. Really. I'm not ready to call this an official turnaround (he has had restraints at the cottage) just yet, but there is definitely something going on.

I haven't been good at writing the counternarrative stories I talked about in my last post. I find that all my memories have something to do with his Tourette's. One funny story though was one time when we were returning from a testing session. Marcus must have been about 6 years old. He was an incredibly cute little boy. Anyway, we were in the elevator with two elderly women who smiled at us when we came in. You could tell they thought he was cute. Suddenly, Marcus started making some noises and blurted out "bitch, you bitch" (one of his favorites). You should have seen the look these women gave me!! Inside I had to laugh. Marcus was totally stressed from the testing so I wasn't at all surprised he needed to get it out. A funny story for sure.