Day Three of Thanksgiving break

On day three of Thanksgiving break and my husband gave me one. He's working today, but took pity on me and came home for a few hours so I could take some time at one of my coffee shop hideaways. My plan is to work on my book, but I needed to vent a bit about Marcus.

You'd have to be in my house to know how much energy it takes to use a calm voice after days with Marcus. For one, he never stops talking. Mix in some annoying tics along with the chalkboard grating phrase "Hey mom" that is always followed by "I've got a question" and you can get the idea. I know that most parents, mothers in particular, know how annoying it can be when your child calls "mom" out over and over again. Now ramp that up times three and you'll know how Marcus is. It's to the point this break that I literally cringe when he says it. It's all I can do to answer in a low, calm voice. To be honest, I am not that successful as the day wears on.

It was worse yesterday for the actual Thanksgiving dinner. For one, the ritual of Thanksgiving is deeply important to Marcus. Things have to happen in just the right way or he gets upset. I narrowly missed a tantrum because I didn't have him take out the giblets. The day went fairly well aside from the hundreds of "hey moms" until Eric (my oldest son) came by with his dog Apollo. I was ready for the two of them, but not for my husband not being there. Morris got a call for an emergency at work and had to go. He ended up missing dinner. It's not like I couldn't deal with the two of them; it's that Morris mediates Marcus a bit and can help with Eric. See, Eric talks all the time too. He doesn't have Tourette, he's just a talker. Luckily, he came somewhat prepared to handle Marcus so the two of them talked at each other for the first hour or so. At least until Eric ran out of patience. Then the bickering started. I summoned the calm voice from somewhere deep and made it through dinner without losing my temper and yelling. Not too bad for an old lady. Marcus can usually handle most any situation for about 2 hours. At just about the two hours mark the cursing started and it was time for Eric to go.

I'll enjoy these few hours with no "hey moms" and replenish my ears for the next round. Thanks honey:)

Conundrum 2

I've been hesitant to post the past few weeks because I started to feel like I was only posting negative things. The bad news is that a bunch of stuff has happened and that it is mostly rough stuff. Our downstairs bathroom door is off its hinges, for example, due to Marcus flinging it open past the hinge capacity. At 6'2" he doesn't know his own strength. It was an "accident". He's had some rough days at school, but he did finally agree to work with the new one-to-one. Not sure what they meant by rough days, but one report was that, while he worked well with the new one-to-one, he didn't spend much time in the classroom. Not sure I'd call that a rough day. I think it's unrealistic to expect him to do both things well at the early stage of a big transition. And for Marcus, all transitions are big.

I had another "bad mom" day the day Marcus had off school for Veteran's Day. By early afternoon, I was totally fed up with him. He literally exhausted me with talk. I think in his mind, he was "having a conversation".  He and I clearly differ in how we define conversation. What I experience is a non-stop, stream of consciousness monologue where my only turn is to say "yes" or "hmmm". The speed with which he changes topics is dizzying.  I even tried to go out together after feeling guilty that I don't take him out much. By the time we got back from a park hike with the dog, I thought I would lose my mind with impatience. It might not sound bad to you reading this because it's very hard to explain in writing what it is like to spend time with Marcus. Trust me that it's exhausting and patience trying. I did my best to be patient and responsive but I fear that I ended up being short and shut down.

We are full on into the "holiday arc" wherein Marcus gets increasingly anxious from Halloween to Christmas. Anna will be coming home for Thanksgiving next week which has him pacing and obsessive already. He'll be a tidal wave of excitement by the time she walks in the door. I'll be surprised if she remains standing.

Another hospital trip

We had another mental health arrest yesterday, followed by hours in the emergency psych department waiting for them to do nothing. Here's what happened as I have pieced it together. Marcus's former therapist has been working as his one-to-one aide while they hire and train a new one. This is an amazing service Joe is doing for Marcus given he's a social worker. Unfortunately, any replacement to Joe will not be Joe and the person they have hired has become a target for Marcus. He doesn't like him (read - he's not Joe). Marcus has known Joe for many years and feels safe with him. The new person is new and doesn't know Marcus and what he needs to feel safe.

Yesterday, Marcus started off the day agitated. I think it was because it was Halloween and he wanted to go trick or treating to get candy. But he focused his agitation on the new one-to-one and became increasingly threatening. Remember that at 14, Marcus is 6'2" and, given they don't know him well at the new school, this size can be scary. There was a "sub" counselor who hadn't worked with Marcus before although she had met him. At some point, Marcus broke a CD cover into shards and pointed them at himself and others while threatening to cut out kidneys. This became "homicidal behavior" and thus warranted the police call. I knew he was just talk and asked that they let me come get him, but it became an unstoppable policy and we ended up in the emergency psych ward. Of course, Marcus was completely calm and the ED docs did nothing. Eight hours wasted. We made it home in time for Halloween although I did not allow him to go trick or treating. I did say he could hand out candy in his costume. He got all set up on the porch, ready to scare kids as they came up. Not a single person came to our house. I couldn't believe it. It was heartbreaking to see him on the porch like that.

We met this morning with the "team" and it seemed like we were going to start right where we left off: he hates the new aide and wants him gone. Apparently Marcus's strategy was to act out horribly enough for the school to fire the new aide. We assured him that he would be the one gone, not the aide. I was just about to lose hope when Marcus blinked - he would agree to work with the new person if he could have a soda at the end of every day (he really is a young 14!). Wow a space for compromise. Then he was able to talk about how much Joe gets him and how he doesn't want him to leave. It was really sweet. Of course, the road will still be rough but there was a small space there. We'll have to see what happens when the new one-to-one comes back from his few days of training.