Here's something I wrote when I first started brainstorming writing about Marcus. I can see how frustrated I was at the time and that this was during the time that Marcus was still living in residential placement but home for the weekend. Sometimes Marcus just plain gets on your last nerve.
I want to visit my brother Rob at Christmas. His recent brutal treatment for stage 4 cancer and the miracle of it working makes me want to spend more time with the other parts of my family. My trip this past summer to help him cope with the treatment gave me a profound understanding of how important family is and of how much I have missed by being so far away. Morris can’t (won’t) go and I keep thinking I could handle Marcus on my own. But last night when we took my son Eric out for his 21st birthday I realized it would be harder than I would want to deal with alone.
Marcus couldn’t wait for the table. He needed the distraction of my iphone where he could watch anime but he still needed close supervision and argued about where to watch it, whether he could sit or stand, and complained loudly every few minutes that he was hungry. He did go outside at one point to yell, hit a light post, and shake a chair – all appropriate expression of his frustrations. And again, it was a lot better than a full on outburst where chairs and other objects would go flying. He talked over us, interrupted the waitress repeatedly with loud (too loud) talking about his own questions. He is still a long way from understanding social cues, especially around conversation. I don’t know how you are supposed to teach someone how to interact when they don’t learn it by participating in multiple events as they grow up. Morris figured it out but he still struggles with too loud a voice and with the “correct” behaviors for different situations. He’s become very good at observing and then mimicking what he sees. How did he learn that? He wasn’t diagnosed growing up so he just figured things out on his own. Will Marcus ever learn?
10/3/09
So I’m sitting here with Marcus in the living room while he watches anime. His relentlessness is particularly irritating today. Food, mainly anything with sugar, the explosion of activity during commercials – all make my temper come to the surface. I lost it and yelled when he jabbed his “wand” toward my face and loudly cast a spell. He hates it when I yell, but I’d just plain had enough. He was able to tell me he hates it when I yell and came over to touch my shoulder. I softened and touched his arm. Crisis over.
That he could tell me in a calm voice is already incredible growth for him. It wasn’t that long ago that things would have escalated to a full on violent tantrum with property damage and restraining him. I can’t express how grateful I am that we don’t go there anymore. Things won’t be perfect though. I don’t know why I keep wishing they will be or keep thinking things won’t be as hard as they actually are. Missing him being home makes me think we can maybe do more than we can.
Marcus couldn’t wait for the table. He needed the distraction of my iphone where he could watch anime but he still needed close supervision and argued about where to watch it, whether he could sit or stand, and complained loudly every few minutes that he was hungry. He did go outside at one point to yell, hit a light post, and shake a chair – all appropriate expression of his frustrations. And again, it was a lot better than a full on outburst where chairs and other objects would go flying. He talked over us, interrupted the waitress repeatedly with loud (too loud) talking about his own questions. He is still a long way from understanding social cues, especially around conversation. I don’t know how you are supposed to teach someone how to interact when they don’t learn it by participating in multiple events as they grow up. Morris figured it out but he still struggles with too loud a voice and with the “correct” behaviors for different situations. He’s become very good at observing and then mimicking what he sees. How did he learn that? He wasn’t diagnosed growing up so he just figured things out on his own. Will Marcus ever learn?
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