Conundrum

I spent the week trying to figure out whether or not I should take Marcus to a new colleague's house warming party. Here's the conundrum: Marcus is difficult to take anywhere, especially a place where there are desserts. But, he likes to go out and he should be able to do so. I feel like a horrible mother that I don't take him out places because it's so much hard work. I just wanted to go to the party and relax a bit. I went back and forth with yes he can go and no he can't. By the time Saturday came, I had decided I would take him. Morris works on Saturdays so my choice was to leave him home alone or take him. I just felt too guilty leaving him at home while I was at a party. Truth is though that I didn't want to take him. How terrible is that!? And selfish. Mothers are supposed to be selfless, right?

Morris ended up coming home for a few hours so I went to the party alone, promising to bring Marcus home a plate. I knew he really only wanted to go for the food and that he would be bouncing all over the place. I was glad I didn't take him in the end. There were two kids who came later and they sat nicely drawing while their parents enjoyed the party. NO WAY Marcus would have done that. To be honest, I was worried about being embarrassed. God that feels awful to write. Plus, I worry that people who know about Marcus's issues are afraid when he's around. That feels bad to write too.

Bad mother syndrome sucks.