Something positive

We are onto the third week of positive behavior and activities. I'm keeping my fingers crossed but history keeps me on my toes.

Some positives:

• My niece Haydin is in town for writing camp and they are getting along really well. I was so pleasantly surprised since last year didn't go so well. In fact, today we are going to pick Marcus up and go see the new Percy Jackson movie so they can spend some time together. Not a usual activity for sure, but one earned. 
• Marcus and I went to the local Park Ave. fest and he used his allowance to buy a gift for his one-to-one aide. He really is a sweet kid. I love having times with him when this side of his personality comes through. 

All in all it's been a good three weeks. I am too jaded to exhale just yet however. But...you never know. 

Continued drama

Well we have continued the slide down this week. Marcus broke a pair of scissors and brandished them at his one-to-one aide, scaring her and everyone else. They called the police. While talking to the police, Marcus said he wanted to die. That ended up with a trip to the hospital for a mental health arrest. Of course, all they did was restrain him (he lost it) and keep him there for hours, and then send him back to the unit. Although, I have to say I'm glad they didn't take him to jail.

I'm so worried. Marcus is really struggling with suicidal ideation, it turns out. He told me that he decides everyday not to kill himself because he can't stand to leave me <tears>. I'm also worried that he is not understanding that the direction he is going will land him dead or in jail. With the Zimmerman verdict, I'm even more concerned that the police or some other crazy person will shoot him. Marcus doesn't yet understand what it means to be Black in this country.

I'm just all around worried. Worried about him hurting himself...about jail...about someone else hurting him. I have two upcoming meetings on the hill this week where I will express, once again, these worries, and insist that we push back his discharge until this stuff gets under control. Maybe "under control" is too hopeful, but something else has to happen before he comes home. 

Worst nightmare

My worst nightmare came true this week. I have been terrified of Marcus going to jail, especially as he approaches 16 years old. The behaviors he exhibits can put him into jail where he'd be tried as an adult. One thing that I didn't expect was that the fire department can make the decision to have him arrested. He smashed the fire alarm in his room this week and they did arrest him. He ended up spending the night in juvenile hall. He was transported in handcuffs.

The next day we had to appear in court to know what would happen to him. This time they transported him in shackles. After waiting several hours in the lobby, we went before the judge. Luckily, the fire department didn't press charges (they had a lawyer there). We didn't have a lawyer (but clearly should have had one) so the lawyer who happened to be there took care of Marcus's case. It took all of two minutes for the judge to release him. Now he's on probation.

I am still not clear about all my feelings. As a mother, I was terrified of what would happen to him in jail. He's just not prepared for that environment. While he's chronologically 15, he's only about 10 developmentally. I was afraid that the other kids would eat him alive. But they kept him separate from the general population, which was a relief. I'm mad that the cottage let it get this far. I would rather they put him in a restraint than have him pull the fire alarm again, especially now that he's on probation. I'm worried as hell about this happening again.

For now, he's out and at home for the weekend. I'm relieved but worried.

Catching up

It's been a while since I've posted, mostly because life has been happening. Marcus remains in residential at Hillside although we are working actively toward discharge. What that means is we've set a target for September (pushed back from June due to his behavior) and we are having bi-monthly "family" meetings. In fact, I've just come from that meeting.

We arrived for our 1:00 meeting to find that Marcus was in the time away room and was coming close to getting in a restraint. Imagine his surprise when they opened the door and there Morris and I stood? I pointed out to him the irony that we were here for a discharge meeting and he was in time away.

The meeting went well enough I suppose. Marcus remains fixated on finding excuses for his behaviors and on pointing out what we are not doing at home that he wants us to do. We, rather I, remain fixated on him stopping his violent behaviors. He has gone as long as two months but then explodes. I just can't have him exploding like that at home.

Not to mention that when he turns 16 in September, these behaviors become illegal. He simply won't survive jail. An explosion on the street would get him shot by police. Jail or death are simply not acceptable as options, so I'm pushing back on release from residential. Call me a bad mom, but I won't survive those options.

Crossing my fingers

Marcus has had almost a month of no restraints! This after a move to a different cottage that I was really worried about. Change is always bad for Marcus and I was worried he would regress in his behavior. Turns out the change didn't provoke this and may have instead provoked some positive developments. We've even been talking about discharge. Wow. Keeping my fingers crossed. 

New year with new Marcus

Happy new year to all!

Marcus has declared that he "gets it" and will now be working for discharge. I think it is monumental that he can finally see that he has a role to play in his own treatment. Maybe it's a developmental leap, I don't really know, I just know it's a good thing. Since making this declaration he has cleaned his room (and maintained it for the most part) and not had any more police calls or trips to the hospital in handcuffs. This is totally huge, as you know. His home visits have been good. Christmas is always his most excitable time so we had some pacing and some stream of consciousness talking, but that was it. Really. I'm not ready to call this an official turnaround (he has had restraints at the cottage) just yet, but there is definitely something going on.

I haven't been good at writing the counternarrative stories I talked about in my last post. I find that all my memories have something to do with his Tourette's. One funny story though was one time when we were returning from a testing session. Marcus must have been about 6 years old. He was an incredibly cute little boy. Anyway, we were in the elevator with two elderly women who smiled at us when we came in. You could tell they thought he was cute. Suddenly, Marcus started making some noises and blurted out "bitch, you bitch" (one of his favorites). You should have seen the look these women gave me!! Inside I had to laugh. Marcus was totally stressed from the testing so I wasn't at all surprised he needed to get it out. A funny story for sure.

Alternative Narrative

A friend recently suggested that a possible activity for our family would be to construct an alternative narrative to the negative one currently surrounding Marcus. What a thought! I can't believe I didn't think of it.

The idea is to put together a book of fun family memories. We certainly have those. So, my future posts will focus on telling some of those positive, fun stories.