Aaaaaah

It's worth repeating...Aaaaaaaah!

Marcus will be moving into residential placement this coming Tuesday. I feel like I got kicked in the stomach. I thought I had this handled. All the rationales were in place. Experts at OMH had determined that he was eligible for an RTF placement. The RTF itself admitted him. We went for an intake visit and Marcus has been for several very successful transition visits while we waited for a spot to open up. He knows kids there and his good friend from Crestwood is in another unit. They have a culinary program that he is totally looking forward to attending. He wants to go. I thought I was fine.

I felt guilty, of course. Guilty that, once again, "we" as parents couldn't give him what he needed to get his behavior under control. Guilty that secretly I was looking forward to him going in. Guilty that I am mad at him so much and that I am mad at my husband because it feels like he wants him to go in a little too much. But even with all this I was thinking I had things in much better hand than last time.

Then I got the phone call that there would likely be a bed this week or next. Boom. My stomach immediately went into knots and has stayed there since the call. My mood darkened and has also stayed there. I didn't go to a work meeting yesterday because I felt like I would be unnecessarily irritable and figured it was better to stay home. Now, though, I'm not wanting to go out at all. I forced myself to go to knit group last night which was good. I felt better afterwards for sure. Thanks Jenny.

Today the call came that the bed is ready and we have a move in date. The good news is it comes after Marcus's birthday on Sunday so we can celebrate that at home. It's all good news really. So why do I feel so awful?

Why so negative?

I've been thinking lately that most of what surrounds Marcus is negative. I find that I usually answer "no" to his questions or tell him that I don't want to hear yet another "what if" question. Last night my oldest son Eric came over and he was emphatically negative, saying things like "nobody wants to hear your comments." This kind of negativity must weigh heavily on Marcus. It's true he's annoying, but no one deserves that level of negative feedback. Plus he can't help most of what he does. No wonder he acts out. He must have become accustomed to only negative attention and now only seeks that kind out. How do I turn this around? Clearly we have all slid into this trap. If it's only me shifting, it won't work. Any suggestions?

Totally stressed out

I have to say that today I am totally stressed out. Marcus's relentless behavior and attitude has me by the throat. Just for today ... he dumped all the salt out of the container, then destroyed the container. He called from the bus to school saying he was bored. He called about an hour later to tell me that his phone "was broken". Was broken in the passive voice, like he wasn't the one who broke it. Another student in his class was having her own issues (remember he is in day treatment where all the kids have issues) and got on his nerves so he snapped his phone in two pieces. Then he was mad that he didn't have a phone so he pulled the fire alarm. And it's only 10:00 in the morning. 

Sigh

I haven't posted in a while because it felt like all I was doing was talking about all the things Marcus did wrong. I was waiting for a time when things smoothed out. Unfortunately, that time didn't come.

Today was a doozy. There have been a few of these of late. He rampaged through the building focusing on harassing his teacher. Spitting at him, poking him, pushing him, and pounding on his classroom door. He called me a few times but refused to talk about anything, even hanging up on me after calling me a bitch. Mortified doesn't really cover how I feel. Frankly, I'm feeling numb at the moment.

The paperwork has gone in for residential placement and the resultant change of school. I feel like we just have to hang on until this placement occurs, but the hanging on is difficult at best. I'm worried about how far Marcus might go. He told me that he did this today because we are neglecting him at home and that this is the only way he can get our attention. He went right for my heart on that one.

It hit me in the heart because he's not wrong. Neglect, no, but we basically try to get through each day with the least amount of drama. What results is that we don't go anywhere together and we sort of parallel play at home: Morris gaming, me knitting, and Marcus watching TV or gaming. His comment today makes me feel horribly guilty. It's all we can handle though.

Past my wit's end.

Bad Mom syndrome again

I felt like a bad mom again last night. When I got home after work, the puppy and Marcus both came at me guns a blazin' before I even put my purse down. I reacted by yelling at Marcus, "Can't I even get my purse down?!" and then walking away. But I pet the puppy and gave him a ton of attention.

Now I realize Marcus is 14. But he's a young 14 and he just wanted my attention. He's been amazing lately at school and at home. He's focused, getting his work done, even walking away from another kid who teased him - all unheard of just a few short weeks ago. And he's been doing his chores without us asking!

I did go back to him and ask about his day and tried to make up for the initial outburst, but still feel really guilty. I should be grateful he's still happy to see me at the end of the day and that he wants to spend time with me. My older kids wanted nothing to do with me when they were teenagers.

Does this mom guilt ever stop?

Procrastinating

I've been procrastinating doing some leg work for residential placement. I need to call Easter Seals to get Marcus set up for some evaluations and testing but I just stare at the phone number. He's been doing really well lately and my "you're a bad mom if you do this" voice is loud and constant. I'm supposed to be able to deal with my own child, right? He's not violent like the last time he went into placement so I am having a hard time justifying it. I don't even know any more that I should go through with it.

People say I should, but are they right? I keep seeing Marcus's face and imagining how disappointed he'll be that we are still working on residential. He's been working hard to avoid it and I think he will be crushed. That has to count for something, doesn't it?

Good times

We've been in a stable, even good, time of late. Marcus has been doing pretty well at school. It's a day by day thing. Most days, he does his work and stays out of trouble. Some days he might get a bit irritated, but has been able to recover before it gets to full blown tantrum.

At home, he's been on an upswing as well. Of course he's still 14 which means we get the neck and a lot of sassy attitude, but overall he's been pleasant. He's got some verbal tics that can be startling - he suddenly shouts nonsense words. But they're just tics. I'm pretty used to having weird noises. He's been doing his chores without too much complaint even.

Not sure whether this is a developmental thing and we have turned a corner or whether we are just in an upswing. Whatever it is, I'll take it.