Well, I'll be

Darned if good ol' behaviorism didn't have an effect! I am most certainly not a behaviorist and I have heard all the stuff about not using food as a reward, but when you have tried everything else...

About two weeks ago, I agreed with school folks to try a coordinated effort to curtail some of Marcus's destructive behavior at school. He had destroyed another classroom and did so on the very day I had gone in for a meeting. I even went into his room to try and calm him down. It worked for a while, but he escalated again and got suspended. It was at his re-entry meeting that we came up with the plan.

If he earned 10 PBIS tickets (it's now up to 17) and was not violent, he would get Phish Food ice cream and soda when he got home from school. With a few moments of irritation at other kids and some procrastination behaviors, he has had no episodes since then. He's even attended most of his class time and did the work. I'm going to say that one again - he's attended class and done the work.

Not sure what else to say. He's still obviously a ton of work, but no desks have been destroyed since I bought the Phish Food.

Over the top

I've procrastinated writing because Marcus has been so over the top. One incident is so out there that I think I should stop telling people. The look on their faces makes me realize how much chaos I have become used to. I wasn't even surprised when it happened. Grossed out and pissed off, but not surprised. I'll tell it one last time.

There is a boy in Marcus's class that he has recently targeted. I have to admit that Marcus is a bully. Nothing this kid can do is okay with Marcus and, according to Marcus, it's all this kid's fault. (His lack of responsibility taking drives me crazy). So the day before yesterday, Marcus took this kid's cap, went to the bathroom, pooped, and wiped his ass with the cap. <pause> I mean, what are you supposed to do with something like that?! Typical consequences seems silly. Of course we had them but they seemed silly and it didn't stop Marcus from continuing to harass this kid to the point of getting suspended. He didn't get suspended for bullying, but for the violent tantrum he had when the school removed him from the classroom. More property destruction.

At home things haven't been that great either. The list includes a broken antique window (threw the dog toy too hard) and a bathroom door off its hinges (opened it too hard). One good thing is that we got a new puppy (rescued pit bull from a local fighting ring), but I'm worried about Marcus and the puppy. Yesterday he hurt him when he pulled the toy too hard out from under his leg. All of these are what Marcus calls "accidents". I don't buy it. But then what does that mean about the dog? Am I totally fooling myself? And Marcus brandished a knife at the skill builder (see last entry). Am I in denial about how dangerous Marcus is?

I am starting to think about residential placement again. I know, I've been here before and didn't do it. But it's four months at Halpern and I am not seeing growth. He recognizes what he's done wrong in the moment, does the restitution work, but repeats the behavior or comes up with another one that's worse the very next day. Remember the poop? Forget about academics.

I need someone to tell me the right thing to do. Any takers?

Day one

The week didn't start off too well. Marcus had his "skill-builder" appointment in the morning but he was brought home early. A good friend gave Marcus a $50 gift card to buy "gifts". She stated so specifically. As you might have guessed, Marcus wanted to go to an all-you-can-eat buffet and eat himself silly. I told him no. After a hundred turns where he tried to get me to change my mind that ended with a loudly stated "because I said so", he left. It went downhill from there. He called and texted me obsessively with increasingly outrageous ideas of things to buy and a pronounced attitude. When the skill builder, Justin, told him to stop, he started banging on the car window as they drove. Then he repeatedly reached for the radio via the gear shift. I think he scared Justin. Having been driving while Marcus was in a major tantrum before, I don't blame him. Safety gets precarious to say the least. Anyway, they came home early and Marcus stomped around calling Justin all kinds of names. He picked up a table knife. I took the knife and sent him upstairs and politely asked Justin to leave after hearing his version of the story. Needless to say, he won't be back this week. So much for the building of skills.

Holiday Arc over

We made it through another holiday arc. That's what I call the time between Marcus's birthday in September and Christmas. He goes up and up until Christmas then evens back out. I won't say he goes back down because there is no down:). Eric came again for dinner Christmas eve and for presents on Christmas day. Even he couldn't believe what it's like to be around Marcus. I'm so used to it (sort of) that I no longer see how intense he is. What Eric doesn't see is that he's intense too and that he also never stops talking. Between the two of them it's amazing I can think at all.

Dinner went well and everyone loved their gifts. I gave Marcus a lego Hogwarts, much to my husband's dismay. In the past, Legos end up everywhere. But Marcus had said he would put it together if there was a pattern and darned if he didn't put up the whole thing in one day. It's actually pretty cool.

I am now facing a week of just Marcus and me until Morris gets home. Pray for me.

Mooning

Marcus mooned a bank of windows into another high school classroom last week. While you might laugh, schools take this sort of thing really seriously. It moves quickly from funny to sexualized behavior, quicker than you might think. This is especially true for Marcus given his reputation now as a dangerous kid. Luckily, all that happened was I got calls from the teacher and the principal. Well, not all that happened. I did a fair amount of yelling and he was teased pretty hard the next day. Not sure whether he connected the two things - mooning and teasing - but he didn't get violent in response. He managed to handle a couple of things without getting violent in response. All good things for sure.

I hate to say it, but Marcus is dangerous; it's not that the school has just labeled him that way. I do think that they jumped to conclusions and he will be labeled the bad kid for the rest of his time there, but they didn't do so without reason. He has done over $2000 in property damage and he did hurt people that first week. I think his unpredictability and uncontrollability drive them crazy. Schools like it when their behavior plans work and those plans just don't work for Marcus. They never have. They (schools not the people at Halpern) don't seem to have much to draw on besides behavior plans.

Cool news

I'm scared to say it's a trend, but Marcus has had a string of amazing days. He had a really bad day last week when he broke a $1000 window at school and got put on a restitution plan. Not only does he have to give over his Christmas money, he has to work off the debt. All totaled, he has done over $2000 in property damage since the beginning of school. But this wasn't the point of today's post...

Since our school meeting and a very stern (maybe angry) talking to by both my husband and I, Marcus has done a few amazing things. First day afterwards, he cleaned up the kitchen without being asked! He even took the trash out. He had several good days at school in a row, even one where the one-to-one aide used the word amazing. He's been polite and respectful. He's still relentless, but it feels more like a typical 14 year old kind of thing. He's even been working on math at home in a curriculum book he asked for. Can I get an amen!

Exhaling cautiously.

Day Three of Thanksgiving break

On day three of Thanksgiving break and my husband gave me one. He's working today, but took pity on me and came home for a few hours so I could take some time at one of my coffee shop hideaways. My plan is to work on my book, but I needed to vent a bit about Marcus.

You'd have to be in my house to know how much energy it takes to use a calm voice after days with Marcus. For one, he never stops talking. Mix in some annoying tics along with the chalkboard grating phrase "Hey mom" that is always followed by "I've got a question" and you can get the idea. I know that most parents, mothers in particular, know how annoying it can be when your child calls "mom" out over and over again. Now ramp that up times three and you'll know how Marcus is. It's to the point this break that I literally cringe when he says it. It's all I can do to answer in a low, calm voice. To be honest, I am not that successful as the day wears on.

It was worse yesterday for the actual Thanksgiving dinner. For one, the ritual of Thanksgiving is deeply important to Marcus. Things have to happen in just the right way or he gets upset. I narrowly missed a tantrum because I didn't have him take out the giblets. The day went fairly well aside from the hundreds of "hey moms" until Eric (my oldest son) came by with his dog Apollo. I was ready for the two of them, but not for my husband not being there. Morris got a call for an emergency at work and had to go. He ended up missing dinner. It's not like I couldn't deal with the two of them; it's that Morris mediates Marcus a bit and can help with Eric. See, Eric talks all the time too. He doesn't have Tourette, he's just a talker. Luckily, he came somewhat prepared to handle Marcus so the two of them talked at each other for the first hour or so. At least until Eric ran out of patience. Then the bickering started. I summoned the calm voice from somewhere deep and made it through dinner without losing my temper and yelling. Not too bad for an old lady. Marcus can usually handle most any situation for about 2 hours. At just about the two hours mark the cursing started and it was time for Eric to go.

I'll enjoy these few hours with no "hey moms" and replenish my ears for the next round. Thanks honey:)