Worst nightmare

My worst nightmare came true this week. I have been terrified of Marcus going to jail, especially as he approaches 16 years old. The behaviors he exhibits can put him into jail where he'd be tried as an adult. One thing that I didn't expect was that the fire department can make the decision to have him arrested. He smashed the fire alarm in his room this week and they did arrest him. He ended up spending the night in juvenile hall. He was transported in handcuffs.

The next day we had to appear in court to know what would happen to him. This time they transported him in shackles. After waiting several hours in the lobby, we went before the judge. Luckily, the fire department didn't press charges (they had a lawyer there). We didn't have a lawyer (but clearly should have had one) so the lawyer who happened to be there took care of Marcus's case. It took all of two minutes for the judge to release him. Now he's on probation.

I am still not clear about all my feelings. As a mother, I was terrified of what would happen to him in jail. He's just not prepared for that environment. While he's chronologically 15, he's only about 10 developmentally. I was afraid that the other kids would eat him alive. But they kept him separate from the general population, which was a relief. I'm mad that the cottage let it get this far. I would rather they put him in a restraint than have him pull the fire alarm again, especially now that he's on probation. I'm worried as hell about this happening again.

For now, he's out and at home for the weekend. I'm relieved but worried.

Catching up

It's been a while since I've posted, mostly because life has been happening. Marcus remains in residential at Hillside although we are working actively toward discharge. What that means is we've set a target for September (pushed back from June due to his behavior) and we are having bi-monthly "family" meetings. In fact, I've just come from that meeting.

We arrived for our 1:00 meeting to find that Marcus was in the time away room and was coming close to getting in a restraint. Imagine his surprise when they opened the door and there Morris and I stood? I pointed out to him the irony that we were here for a discharge meeting and he was in time away.

The meeting went well enough I suppose. Marcus remains fixated on finding excuses for his behaviors and on pointing out what we are not doing at home that he wants us to do. We, rather I, remain fixated on him stopping his violent behaviors. He has gone as long as two months but then explodes. I just can't have him exploding like that at home.

Not to mention that when he turns 16 in September, these behaviors become illegal. He simply won't survive jail. An explosion on the street would get him shot by police. Jail or death are simply not acceptable as options, so I'm pushing back on release from residential. Call me a bad mom, but I won't survive those options.

Crossing my fingers

Marcus has had almost a month of no restraints! This after a move to a different cottage that I was really worried about. Change is always bad for Marcus and I was worried he would regress in his behavior. Turns out the change didn't provoke this and may have instead provoked some positive developments. We've even been talking about discharge. Wow. Keeping my fingers crossed. 

New year with new Marcus

Happy new year to all!

Marcus has declared that he "gets it" and will now be working for discharge. I think it is monumental that he can finally see that he has a role to play in his own treatment. Maybe it's a developmental leap, I don't really know, I just know it's a good thing. Since making this declaration he has cleaned his room (and maintained it for the most part) and not had any more police calls or trips to the hospital in handcuffs. This is totally huge, as you know. His home visits have been good. Christmas is always his most excitable time so we had some pacing and some stream of consciousness talking, but that was it. Really. I'm not ready to call this an official turnaround (he has had restraints at the cottage) just yet, but there is definitely something going on.

I haven't been good at writing the counternarrative stories I talked about in my last post. I find that all my memories have something to do with his Tourette's. One funny story though was one time when we were returning from a testing session. Marcus must have been about 6 years old. He was an incredibly cute little boy. Anyway, we were in the elevator with two elderly women who smiled at us when we came in. You could tell they thought he was cute. Suddenly, Marcus started making some noises and blurted out "bitch, you bitch" (one of his favorites). You should have seen the look these women gave me!! Inside I had to laugh. Marcus was totally stressed from the testing so I wasn't at all surprised he needed to get it out. A funny story for sure.

Alternative Narrative

A friend recently suggested that a possible activity for our family would be to construct an alternative narrative to the negative one currently surrounding Marcus. What a thought! I can't believe I didn't think of it.

The idea is to put together a book of fun family memories. We certainly have those. So, my future posts will focus on telling some of those positive, fun stories. 

Still struggling

Marcus continues to struggle in residential. He can go for days, even a week, without incident but then erupts into a tantrum that results in restraints. He's managed not to be taken to the hospital for almost two weeks until last night. He still can't manage a "no" or a firm limit. This time the limit was that he couldn't come for a home visit if he'd had a restraint within three days of the visit. He has restraints on Tuesday night and Wednesday morning so we enforced the rule. That did it.

He ended up in the hospital. He called me from there last night with a passionate argument for why residential isn't working. He still blames them for everything and doesn't see his own role or that attacking people isn't the appropriate reaction to whatever is going on. He says he's going on a med, food, and shower strike until he gets released from the hill. He even said he would run if given the opportunity. I couldn't get him to see his role.

I tossed and turned all night worrying that he'd bolt once he was released from the hospital. Turns out he's still there at almost 2:30 today. I just can't see the light that should show me the right thing to do. He's got to get this behavior under control. Soon, it will become criminal and he would never survive jail. He's still only about 9 years old emotionally. I worry all the time.

Anxiety

Marcus had a good week (no restraints, no MHAs) until he knew when his Thanksgiving home visit would be. Poor guy got overly anxious about messing up while at home and had several outbursts. He's worried about stealing food and disappointing us. I feel for him worrying so much about making a mistake. How do we ensure he will be successful? I talked to him on the phone to see whether he wanted to shorten the visit, but he didn't. Mostly he wants to have our usual Thanksgiving ritual (ritual is very important to him) and most importantly, he wants to stay long enough to eat all the pie! Wish us luck.