I have to say that today I am totally stressed out. Marcus's relentless behavior and attitude has me by the throat. Just for today ... he dumped all the salt out of the container, then destroyed the container. He called from the bus to school saying he was bored. He called about an hour later to tell me that his phone "was broken". Was broken in the passive voice, like he wasn't the one who broke it. Another student in his class was having her own issues (remember he is in day treatment where all the kids have issues) and got on his nerves so he snapped his phone in two pieces. Then he was mad that he didn't have a phone so he pulled the fire alarm. And it's only 10:00 in the morning.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Sigh
I haven't posted in a while because it felt like all I was doing was talking about all the things Marcus did wrong. I was waiting for a time when things smoothed out. Unfortunately, that time didn't come.
Today was a doozy. There have been a few of these of late. He rampaged through the building focusing on harassing his teacher. Spitting at him, poking him, pushing him, and pounding on his classroom door. He called me a few times but refused to talk about anything, even hanging up on me after calling me a bitch. Mortified doesn't really cover how I feel. Frankly, I'm feeling numb at the moment.
The paperwork has gone in for residential placement and the resultant change of school. I feel like we just have to hang on until this placement occurs, but the hanging on is difficult at best. I'm worried about how far Marcus might go. He told me that he did this today because we are neglecting him at home and that this is the only way he can get our attention. He went right for my heart on that one.
It hit me in the heart because he's not wrong. Neglect, no, but we basically try to get through each day with the least amount of drama. What results is that we don't go anywhere together and we sort of parallel play at home: Morris gaming, me knitting, and Marcus watching TV or gaming. His comment today makes me feel horribly guilty. It's all we can handle though.
Past my wit's end.
Today was a doozy. There have been a few of these of late. He rampaged through the building focusing on harassing his teacher. Spitting at him, poking him, pushing him, and pounding on his classroom door. He called me a few times but refused to talk about anything, even hanging up on me after calling me a bitch. Mortified doesn't really cover how I feel. Frankly, I'm feeling numb at the moment.
The paperwork has gone in for residential placement and the resultant change of school. I feel like we just have to hang on until this placement occurs, but the hanging on is difficult at best. I'm worried about how far Marcus might go. He told me that he did this today because we are neglecting him at home and that this is the only way he can get our attention. He went right for my heart on that one.
It hit me in the heart because he's not wrong. Neglect, no, but we basically try to get through each day with the least amount of drama. What results is that we don't go anywhere together and we sort of parallel play at home: Morris gaming, me knitting, and Marcus watching TV or gaming. His comment today makes me feel horribly guilty. It's all we can handle though.
Past my wit's end.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Bad Mom syndrome again
I felt like a bad mom again last night. When I got home after work, the puppy and Marcus both came at me guns a blazin' before I even put my purse down. I reacted by yelling at Marcus, "Can't I even get my purse down?!" and then walking away. But I pet the puppy and gave him a ton of attention.
Now I realize Marcus is 14. But he's a young 14 and he just wanted my attention. He's been amazing lately at school and at home. He's focused, getting his work done, even walking away from another kid who teased him - all unheard of just a few short weeks ago. And he's been doing his chores without us asking!
I did go back to him and ask about his day and tried to make up for the initial outburst, but still feel really guilty. I should be grateful he's still happy to see me at the end of the day and that he wants to spend time with me. My older kids wanted nothing to do with me when they were teenagers.
Does this mom guilt ever stop?
Now I realize Marcus is 14. But he's a young 14 and he just wanted my attention. He's been amazing lately at school and at home. He's focused, getting his work done, even walking away from another kid who teased him - all unheard of just a few short weeks ago. And he's been doing his chores without us asking!
I did go back to him and ask about his day and tried to make up for the initial outburst, but still feel really guilty. I should be grateful he's still happy to see me at the end of the day and that he wants to spend time with me. My older kids wanted nothing to do with me when they were teenagers.
Does this mom guilt ever stop?
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Procrastinating
I've been procrastinating doing some leg work for residential placement. I need to call Easter Seals to get Marcus set up for some evaluations and testing but I just stare at the phone number. He's been doing really well lately and my "you're a bad mom if you do this" voice is loud and constant. I'm supposed to be able to deal with my own child, right? He's not violent like the last time he went into placement so I am having a hard time justifying it. I don't even know any more that I should go through with it.
People say I should, but are they right? I keep seeing Marcus's face and imagining how disappointed he'll be that we are still working on residential. He's been working hard to avoid it and I think he will be crushed. That has to count for something, doesn't it?
People say I should, but are they right? I keep seeing Marcus's face and imagining how disappointed he'll be that we are still working on residential. He's been working hard to avoid it and I think he will be crushed. That has to count for something, doesn't it?
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Good times
We've been in a stable, even good, time of late. Marcus has been doing pretty well at school. It's a day by day thing. Most days, he does his work and stays out of trouble. Some days he might get a bit irritated, but has been able to recover before it gets to full blown tantrum.
At home, he's been on an upswing as well. Of course he's still 14 which means we get the neck and a lot of sassy attitude, but overall he's been pleasant. He's got some verbal tics that can be startling - he suddenly shouts nonsense words. But they're just tics. I'm pretty used to having weird noises. He's been doing his chores without too much complaint even.
Not sure whether this is a developmental thing and we have turned a corner or whether we are just in an upswing. Whatever it is, I'll take it.
At home, he's been on an upswing as well. Of course he's still 14 which means we get the neck and a lot of sassy attitude, but overall he's been pleasant. He's got some verbal tics that can be startling - he suddenly shouts nonsense words. But they're just tics. I'm pretty used to having weird noises. He's been doing his chores without too much complaint even.
Not sure whether this is a developmental thing and we have turned a corner or whether we are just in an upswing. Whatever it is, I'll take it.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Worried
I've committed to writing honestly in this blog and to telling the whole story of living with Marcus. But, today I am hesitant, back to feeling like hiding. Marcus did something that was an "accident" but I am having a hard time with it.
The end result was that boiling water ended up on the puppy. After much yelping and my panicking, Marcus says he was testing the spaghetti (he was cooking) and took a step back and tripped over the puppy. Water spilled from the spoon onto the dog. Now, the puppy does get under your feet and we trip or he gets stepped on (he's still learning about feet). So the accident piece could be reasonable. But...
All of his "accidents" have reasonable explanations. But are they really accidents? Is he really that much of a clumsy, not knowing his own strength kid? I think that partly he is, but I am totally freaked about the hot water on the dog. What if he did it on purpose?!
The end result was that boiling water ended up on the puppy. After much yelping and my panicking, Marcus says he was testing the spaghetti (he was cooking) and took a step back and tripped over the puppy. Water spilled from the spoon onto the dog. Now, the puppy does get under your feet and we trip or he gets stepped on (he's still learning about feet). So the accident piece could be reasonable. But...
All of his "accidents" have reasonable explanations. But are they really accidents? Is he really that much of a clumsy, not knowing his own strength kid? I think that partly he is, but I am totally freaked about the hot water on the dog. What if he did it on purpose?!
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Gym destroyer
We had several good weeks with the new behavior mod idea, but...he destroyed the gym on Thursday. He had started not to care so much about getting ice cream at home. I was prepared for that and have asked what other something he would like but haven't gotten an answer yet.
His teacher will be on medical leave in a few days but Marcus seems okay about it. Remember that, for Marcus, all change is bad so I am worried about such a big change. While the teacher may not think so, Marcus really likes him and his leaving will likely be upsetting. However, Marcus knows the sub. Mostly he's worried about Mr. Anderson. He really is a tender soul once you get past the tantrums.
Got some really helpful comments about whether we should head back to residential placement. So far, everyone thinks we should do it. When we had a string of good days, I got cold feet. But, we are going ahead with the process, meaning we have tons of paperwork to fill out and then we have to see whether OMH will approve it. If they don't, we'll try going to CSE. Either way, there has to be a spot in residential so we may have a long wait time. Marcus was trying not to go by focusing on staying cool at school, but that seems to have been too much for him. We'll have to see what next week holds, then it's winter break.
His teacher will be on medical leave in a few days but Marcus seems okay about it. Remember that, for Marcus, all change is bad so I am worried about such a big change. While the teacher may not think so, Marcus really likes him and his leaving will likely be upsetting. However, Marcus knows the sub. Mostly he's worried about Mr. Anderson. He really is a tender soul once you get past the tantrums.
Got some really helpful comments about whether we should head back to residential placement. So far, everyone thinks we should do it. When we had a string of good days, I got cold feet. But, we are going ahead with the process, meaning we have tons of paperwork to fill out and then we have to see whether OMH will approve it. If they don't, we'll try going to CSE. Either way, there has to be a spot in residential so we may have a long wait time. Marcus was trying not to go by focusing on staying cool at school, but that seems to have been too much for him. We'll have to see what next week holds, then it's winter break.
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