Graduation photo

My favorite picture from graduation. Marcus is standing next to East's Superintendent, Dr. Shaun Nelms. You should know that Dr. Nelms is 6'3". Yes, that means Marcus is taller! He is up to 7'2"!!!

High School Graduation

I am still a bit shocked that this day has finally come. If you've been following this blog, you know what a long, difficult battle it has been to keep Marcus in school and out of jail. Today he finished summer school and is officially graduating from high school. I can't believe it. I feel happy and proud and, frankly, exhausted. I keep finding myself exhaling big breaths.

Thanks are in order.

Thank you to all the teachers and administrators, from pre-school to high school, who worked hard to love and support Marcus through good days and bad. Trust me, I know well how difficult this can be sometimes. You saw what I see - a smart, charming, funny, sensitive, and caring young man who struggled mightily with things beyond his control. School is a difficult place for those who are not deemed "normal", but you adapted creatively and helped him succeed in spite of a system designed to push him out.

I specifically want to thank the teachers, administrators, SSOs, secretaries, counsellors, social workers, and custodians at East High School for welcoming Marcus into his first general education placement since kindergarten. I mention all these people because Marcus interacted with all of them - daily. Yes, that means he wasn't always in class where he was supposed to be. He made regular rounds of the school to chat and find snacks. You were always there with a smile and reminders to go back to class. This time at East was, by far, the best experience Marcus had in a school. We had two goals coming to East - graduation and no jail. You helped us accomplish this. There are not enough words to thank you.

Most of all, I want to thank my husband Morris Smith. He stopped working so he could support Marcus to graduation. It takes a special strength to commit this much and I want everyone to know how much I respect and love you.

Going to spend some time celebrating this amazing accomplishment before thinking about what's next. I will post pictures of the graduation ceremony when it happens.

So close ... yet so far

I can't believe the whole school year has gone by since I last posted. There is no way to capture the ups and downs of this year in one post, but I'll try to give some you some idea.

Our two goals for this year were graduation and no jail. Given there are only a few days left in the school year, I think it's safe to say we accomplished one - no jail. Graduation is a much more complicated issue.

Marcus has all five Regents tests needed to get a diploma in New York State; no small accomplishment indeed. His schedule is such that all he has to do is pass his classes and he will have the 22 credits needed to graduate. He's simply not going to pass in time for a June graduation. With summer school, he may be able to graduate in August. So close, yet so far.

I have come to accept that he doesn't really want to graduate. It's not that he doesn't want the diploma. It's that he is so happy at East that he doesn't want to leave. As I mentioned in earlier posts, this is his first general education placement since kindergarten. Socially and emotionally, he has thrived. People like him, adults and kids alike. He has wonderful relationships with some of his teachers and other adults in the building (never mind that he knows them so well because he leaves class and wanders around the building chatting with them). He is developing some peer relationships - also a first. Everyone knows who he is because he is 7"2"! Kids are still stopping me to ask, "Are you that tall boy's mom?" I am very proud to say, "Yes, yes, I am!"

It breaks my heart to see that he doesn't want to leave East, but I understand. Talking to him about there being many future spaces where he will have friends hasn't made him kick in and do his work. His teachers have bent over backwards to offer him multiple ways to be successful. He just doesn't do the work. He is completely capable of doing it, he just doesn't.

He has definitely had behavioral issues. Our safety plan is that before he gets too agitated, he goes home; this has worked so that no horrible violent explosions have happened at school (at least from my perspective). He has thrown things, broken an exit sign, torn things off walls, and even spit on/toward people but this is nothing like what he's done before. He still does the thing where he sneaks up behind someone and scares them. He has also been a little "stalky" with two teachers he really liked. One asked for him to be removed from her room.

The main issue I've struggled with is that people don't believe me when I say Marcus can't help doing these things. They think I make it up, that I spoil him, and that I let him get away with everything. Even my husband is there right now. Staff have told him that Marcus never gets any consequences (they think he needs punishments like suspensions) because people are "afraid of your wife." This pisses me off to no end. It means they have not listened to me at all and they are not seeing my son, only a perceived power I am supposed to possess given my role as UR person in the EPO (see my other blog to find out what this is).

I finally hit the roof on this issue when Marcus ended up in the locked psych ward last week because he wanted to kill himself. Making it up am I?! He spun out around another episode where he threw something at a peer he's been struggling with for a while. He doesn't want to do these things, he knows it's wrong, he can't stop himself, he feels like it will never get better ... "I'd rather die."  I sent a few rounds of terse emails and, once again, attached the literature on Tourette's. I even highlighted in yellow the sections describing what researchers call "rages." The text describes Marcus to the letter. People responded warmly to my stress; we'll have to see whether they got the point.

Again and again I have to fight for him. Why don't people believe mothers? I can't say often enough that I am not making this stuff up. Do they think I don't get how hard it is to work with Marcus? I live with him for God's sake!!! I get mad at him all the time, believe me. He steals and eats all my food all the time, will take money from my wallet if I forget to lock it up, makes ungodly noises ALL THE TIME. I get it. But being mad, taking stuff away, or any other traditional punishment does not stop him from doing any of this. It is not willful defiance. It's neurological.

I just wish I knew how to help him stop doing what he doesn't want to do. If I had that answer ...

Ending on a positive, here he is at his senior Prom :) What a handsome young man!

New school year adjustments

We are three weeks into Marcus's year at the new East. The first week was the honeymoon where things went well. These last two weeks have been more difficult. He's not the only student adjusting to everything being different, but of course, he's my child. Teachers and staff are trying to figure him out. The school responded well to my letter (see previous post) by making sure teachers had all the Tourette's literature I sent. The support model continues to need tweaking, but is generally working well.

One of the new administrators with whom I am developing a nice relationship shared this article on her Facebook page. While Marcus doesn't have autism, the things the mother expressed are very much what we deal with. People who don't have children like Marcus or my friend's daughter simply do not understand what we deal with everyday. Like the women who wrote the article, I have been at the park when Marcus dashed off to push a child over. I have had to pull over on the highway because of a violent tantrum. I have had those looks from other parents when Marcus has exploded in public. My husband and I stopped taking him out and we isolate in our house, even now. Bringing people to our house is scary. People don't know.

As these new teachers come to learn all of Marcus's behaviors, they barely get a glimpse into what it's like to parent him. I feel a little embarrassed to be honest. I wonder whether they have compassion for me or whether they think it's my fault. I want to say "welcome to my world" but then I have shut off that world to "outsiders"; it's a conundrum.

We are all meeting next week - 10 teachers plus admin folks - to talk about what has been happening and brainstorm next steps. I have mixed feelings. On one hand, I greatly appreciate how much everyone is there with full hearts to help Marcus be successful. On the other hand, here we go again. Another group of people who will peer into our family and see how difficult it is. I'm not one for all this intimate exposure. I suppose that is silly given I am writing this blog where I reveal all this stuff for anyone. There's the rub. Gotta be all in for your child.

First day of school

Here is an email I just wrote to Marcus's school. They are transitioning to a full inclusion model, which I totally support, but have a ton of questions about for my child. I was up all night worrying...

I am writing as a mom today. As the first day of school approaches, I am up at night wondering about my son’s transition to general ed. As you know, I fully believe in inclusion, but am really struggling to understand the support model. I’ve listened carefully to explanations, but still don’t fully understand what it means for Marcus specifically. I have a ton of questions that I’ll just list in sort of a stream of consciousness way, so please bear with me.

What does support actually mean? I know there will be “more support”, even more than before. But I don’t know what “support" means. I have a sense of what it means for academic support, but what about behavioral? How will each of his 10 teachers learn about Tourette Syndrome and all its complexities? Will they know that Marcus has to pace, needs frequent breaks? Will they all read his IEP? People with Tourette’s have what the literature calls “rages” and Marcus does have these. We do everything possible to avoid them. How will teachers learn this? If he crosses that line, people get hurt and property gets damaged, which has led to him getting arrested. Our clear goals (there are only two right now), and why my husband stopped working so he can be in the school while we transition from residential placement, are no arrests and a high school diploma. How are we going to reach those goals in a support model? 

Last year, we had regular meetings with his teachers where we taught about Tourette’s. The vocal and motor tics, movement, disinhibition, impulsivity, rages, touching, etc. Marcus has severe Tourette’s which means he has all of these things, including the corollary diagnoses of ADHD and OCD. People unfamiliar with Tourette’s always think he is doing these on purpose, then punish him. Punishment doesn’t work. Teachers showed his classmates a video I gave (the school psychologist has it now) to peers so they knew about his involuntary noises and movements. The film, “I have Tourette’s but Tourette’s doesn’t have me”, shows kids talking to kids about Tourette’s. Marcus was actually in it. It’s an HBO production. Pacing can be an issue for teachers, but Marcus MUST pace; it’s a release of tension where he can also tic. The code of conduct rules would make this a problem. How will the support model assure us that Marcus will not be punished for pacing and that teachers will know this? We also work very hard to avoid rages and their triggers. This means that Marcus sometimes just goes home if he is overwhelmed. It was part of his safety plan, yet it was still counted as an unexcused absence. We had to try several times to get these unexcused absences removed because leaving is part of his safety plan. How will we make sure this continues to happen? What about if he touches someone (a tic), or makes weird noises (also a tic). See the attached NYSED document for a list of tics (table 1, p. 4), all of which Marcus has done at some point. I couldn’t see how these behaviors will be accounted for in the new code of conduct. 

I’ve attached literature I always give to teachers and support people so they can know about Tourette’s, including the official NYSED training manual. Please note the stressors on page 6 - most of which are happening in the next few months. I have a book called “Teaching the Tiger” that I believe was ordered for the building last year. If we can’t find it, I’m happy to lend my copy again. Kathy Giordano, the person who wrote most of this work for TSA, is in Rochester at the Advocacy Center. She has come to our schools before to teach people. The Tourette Syndrome Association is a huge resource and it has a lot of resources for teachers. Here is their website: http://www.tsa-usa.org 

Sorry to be a worry-wart, but you can’t know how terrifying it is for me to see Marcus in handcuffs. As a mother of a young black man in today’s lethal environment, I can’t express how dealings with police frighten me. 

I’m happy to meet to talk if that is a better way to help me understand how this will all work.

Thanks,

Joanne

Never expected this

As you know, Marcus started at East High School about 2 months ago. It is his first experience in a general education setting since kindergarten. I was full of fear about what might happen based on the past 12 years in self-contained settings. I know the research on inclusion shows conclusively that students with disabilities thrive in general education settings, but I wasn't sure about Marcus since our local district simply doesn't follow the law and gets away with it. Plus, when he ended up in a closet with an aide at the end of kindergarten, I was determined he would not be hurt like that again. We had two goals: no jail and a high school diploma.

I did not imagine that things would be as amazingly welcoming as they have been. He has, for the first time, been able to develop friendships, feel welcome and valued, and even have girls flirt with him! We have lots of support in place, for sure. My husband stopped working so he could spend full time supporting Marcus. He is in the building all day and is available in case anything happens. He has an amazing one-to-one aide who is skilled as a teaching assistant. We started with only a few periods, then built up to a full day as he adjusted. Going from home instruction to a full, comprehensive urban high school with 1800 students was quite a jump. But it went so much better than I worried about that I can't even describe how good it feels.

The very best part, something I never imagined was possible, was him joining the unified basketball team. Marcus is now 7 feet tall and growing. He has never played basketball before. But, unified sports is amazingly inclusive and a wonderful way to learn a sport. The coach taught him as he played in real games against other teams in our county. Just being 7 feet tall made a difference, but Marcus learned really quickly. He understood where he was supposed to be on the court, ran up and down the court with his team, and helped players up if they fell. The first time he made a basket, I thought my husband and I would pass out from excitement. It was the most fun we had had since Marcus was a baby before his diagnosis. I still don't have words for how wonderful this has been. Seeing Marcus experience team sports (the team gathering for chants, supporting each other on the court, high fives...) was something I never knew could be so wonderful. The varsity coach came to his first game to see how he did. He definitely has his eye on Marcus for his team.

I write this today so that other parents who have children like Marcus can see that there is hope. Even writing about having hope scares me a bit (I have to admit I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop), but hope is creeping in. I fear I had lost hope. Seeing some glimmer is transformative and soul-healing. Never give up!

Here's a picture of his first game. I couldn't be more proud.

Best. Day. Ever.

Today was the best day ever. Okay...maybe for the past fifteen years since Marcus's diagnosis. After six months of home instruction, he started at East High school; his first experience in general education since kindergarten. This is the end of his first three weeks. In spite of a few ripples, he has thrived. The little things were important: opening his locker on the first try, having kids run up to him to fawn over how tall he is (he's now 7 feet), girls flirting, and basketball coaches drooling. After waiting for a few days to get his now size 18 shoes delivered from online, he had his first practice yesterday. 

That leads us to today. East played Edison at Edison. He road the bus with the team wearing his cool new East uniform. When he came onto the court, I couldn't breath. They did some warm ups and got ready to play. Marcus went in after about 5 minutes. I immediately took out my camera and took pictures, quickly posting them to Facebook, Twitter, and put a short video on Vine. There he was playing on a team after only one practice.  He knew where to be on the court, watched the ball, and learned the clock. He blocked a shot. When he took his own first shot, I thought my heart would stop. No score, but that didn't stop him from trying another time. He helped two guys up who were knocked down. He did the team "go East" chant after a time out, and slapped hands with the opposing team at the end. And we won!

I never dreamed I would ever tell a story like this about Marcus. Things have been hard for so long that I think I stopped dreaming. Morris and I sat in the stands hooting and hollering at every play. We were so happy. Again, not something we have been in a long time. I have never been prouder. Marcus reminded me that I love basketball. 

This was the best day ever and we've got to savor the good ones. I shall savor this one a long time. 

More changes

I'm cautiously hopeful about some upcoming changes for Marcus and our family. As you can read in another blog of mine, my university will be running a local high school and I am working on placing Marcus there. I know it will be an amazing place and Marcus deserves amazing.

We went on a tour this past week so Marcus could get a sense of the place. We picked a day when there would be few students present due to Regents testing. The principal arranged for the district's director of special education to join us so he could help us get what we need to support this huge transition. One thing that happened really struck me. I'm not sure whether it's sad or moving or what I felt, but here's what happened.

The principal opened a typical classroom door so we could see what they look like. Marcus walked in, paused and said, "Oh, so this is what a classroom looks like."  I gasped and all the adults looked at each other. The last time he was in a general ed classroom was in kindergarten and all he remembers about that year was being in a closet with a para. While on one hand it's a sad statement, it also gives me some hope about the possibilities of re-integration.

I also realized I might be the person the most worried. How will Marcus handle so many kids? We are planning on starting him in smaller classrooms but there will still be the hallway and the cafeteria. A key support will be having my husband as the official 1:1 aide. The director of special ed agreed it would be good and is going to help us get that set up. I realize having the "dad" there has its own challenges, but keeping Marcus from exploding overrides those for me. We have two goals: keeping Marcus out of jail and getting him a high school diploma. I can't see meeting the first goal if Morris isn't there, at least at the beginning.

What were we thinking?!

It took me this long to give you updates on our home schooling decision. Sorry, but a lot has been going on. See my Life, Literacy, and Laughter blog to know what I have been doing at work.

Marcus moved home at the beginning of September. We had the CSE meeting that established his placement as "home instruction". We were assured that he could be on home instruction and get his diploma. We have two goals: keep Marcus out of jail and high school graduation with a Regents diploma. I know he may not go to college, but I want him to have choice. The NYS "local" diploma doesn't give the choice of college as an option because it isn't a diploma - only a certificate of completion. Our plan was that my husband Morris would do the additional three and a half hours a day of instruction (in addition to the two hours he would get from the district) to meet NYS requirements. We enlisted the help of a friend who is a certified teacher to help Morris since he is not a trained teacher. All was going well for a bit.

But, the honeymoon ended and we started seeing more aggressive behaviors from Marcus. And, the district started saying that he couldn't graduate from home instruction because it is a temporary thing. The good part is that Marcus has totally engaged with his tutor and has learned more content in these few months than he has in years. He got Bs on his last report card!

Unfortunately, the teaching proved too much for Morris. I didn't realize how embedded in the teacher mindset I am as a teacher educator and underestimated what he needed to do to figure it out. I pummeled him with materials thinking he would do what a teacher does - look at it all, find themes, develop projects and lessons, etc. Well, I learned that not everyone thinks that way. I even tried giving him an EngageNY module. I hate the modules because they are scripted, but that they are scripted might be useful to him. Not so much. He let me know that it wasn't going to work out. I was disappointed for sure, but understood.

We have a CSE meeting January 8th to figure out a new plan. My proposal will be to have Marcus go to East High School (now that my university will be running it) for a modified day and have Morris be the official one-to-one aide. I have gotten approval from the principal and the EPO Superintendent (see by other blog for explanation of this) of this plan. Now I just have to get CSE approval. No way I will let them set Marcus up for jail again!

It has been very difficult to have Marcus home full time and to have Morris only working a few hours a week at NEAD. Remember they both have Tourette Syndrome. Their relationship is getting better, close even, but there are flare ups when Marcus does his thing. We've had two violent episodes with some property destruction and some stealing of money and food. Marcus has a food obsession I don't understand. He has never been food deprived, but he obsesses about eating and will eat everything in one day. We now have a locked cabinet for food.

Between Hillside and the school district, there has been a steady stream of people in our house, something that is difficult for us since we tend to hole up and isolate. We have the tutor every morning, a family therapist weekly, a skill builder weekly, a social worker weekly, a parent volunteer weekly, and a services coordinator. And Marcus sees a therapist, also weekly. All of this is incredibly helpful, but it's quite a lot of coordination. Morris is handling this for which I am very grateful.

That's it for now. I'll let you know what happens at the CSE meeting this week.

Huge decision

After a lot of thought, we have decided to home school Marcus. This past year in residential has been very difficult. He was arrested four times in Spring semester alone. It became clear staff didn't like him. I'm not saying Marcus was innocent, he did terrible things. But jail was an inappropriate response. I will follow up with more detail later; I just wanted to give a quick update since it's been such a long time since I posted. Now you see why. 

Frustrations

Settling back into school and the cottage after the California trip has been touchy for Marcus. He's had a few incidents at school, including one where he threw a piece of plexiglass that cut a staff member. The good news is that they didn't call police and the man was not badly hurt, but the bad news is that wasn't the only incident.

After the great time on the trip, I am really frustrated with Marcus. He can clearly manage his behavior when he wants to, even when the stress is high. So to have so many incidents once we got back is difficult. There was even one incident where he broke a peer's glasses and kicked another peer an hour and a half after the re-entry meeting from a previous incident!! I'm at a loss.

The only thing he could identify as a possible source of his anxiety is the possibility of discharge and return to Halpern - both things he wants. Halpern has still not agreed to take him back mind you. They did agree to come to observe him and to talk to Hillside staff about how they have been working with him. That's good news, but does cause stress. Still, he doesn't seem to get that he can't jeopardize other people's safety no matter what stress he's under.

I'm concerned that he's not ready to transition back to Halpern. If a simple observation causes this much stress and acting out, how much would the actual change generate? I definitely feel pressure from Hillside about discharge though. I know they are under pressure from OMH, so it's not personal, but will be something I'll have to deal with. Part of me wants Marcus just to stay at Trahey (Hillside) for the rest of high school. They work well with him (reading to younger kids, for example), have a great school manager, and his one-to-one is awesome. If change would cause such havoc (and potential real damage), why push it? I am not interested in OMH's interest in saving money. My concern is the well-being of my son.

Going well

Just a quick update to let you know that Marcus is doing really well on the trip to California. The plane flight was uneventful. There was boredom for sure, but no worrisome behavior. Time with family has been great. He's still too loud and can get antsy and paces, but all has gone really well. He's been charming with my mother, helping her get around. He's like a different kid. So far so good. We have another two days and then we're back on the plane home. Keep your fingers crossed that the rest of the trip goes as well as it has so far.

Merry Christmas to all.

Three months in

Well, we are three months into the six months Marcus has been on the ACD. Mostly, he has avoided violence. He's had the few incidents I have already written about but no police. I'm hoping that this hard work with get noticed by Halpern, his home high school. So far, they are reticent to take him back. Maybe reticent is too light a word - they are not willing to take him back at this point. Although, I haven't heard lately whether his mostly positive behavior has changed their minds. I plan on contacting them myself after the holiday break to begin a conversation about his return.

Another piece of good news is that his usual one-to-one aide is back working with him. I'm so glad. She really cares about Marcus and knows his sweet side. Marcus says she's more distant than before though. I told him that's understandable given how he has treated her. Hopefully, he will earn back her trust.

... Just a brief update.

Hanging on

Marcus is white knuckling this six months until his court case is resolved. It's been two months and things have been sort of okay. But the last couple of weeks have been hard for him. He had an incident with his one to one where he held her in a room and grabbed her. A police report was filed, but no arrest. The poor woman was terrified. I feel terrible for her and am disappointed that they might not be working together anymore. She was wonderful.

And he really struggled with a peer. The kid's parents were upset enough to want to press charges against Marcus. I ended up having a meeting with them where both boys came to talk things through. We managed to avoid calling the police, but it was close. The father started to get pretty aggressive with me until I pointed out to him that I was doing everything possible. After all, my son is in residential placement (as is his). I left feeling glad that we avoided the police, but still felt really beat up.

Have decided to take Marcus home to California for Christmas. I know...what was I thinking?! Especially since my husband has to work and I'll be doing this on my own. I guess I felt like I can't just keep him in the house all the time and that it's been many years since he's seen his extended family. I'm mostly worried about the plane flight but plan on asking his doctor for some Valium or some other drug that will calm him for the flight. Wish me luck.

A cool thing

I just got an email from Marcus's clinician telling me that they have "discovered a hidden talent" in him. Evidently, he's been visiting another teacher's room to talk with her and she discovered his amazing reading ability and his vast reading interests. So, when he's appropriate, he goes into her room to read to the students. Wow. I find this really cool and heartening. Now that's the Marcus I see in there!

Sliding downhill

Seems like we've been going backwards lately. Marcus got arrested the day after he turned sixteen. In New York State, that means he goes to adult jail and adult criminal court. He was in one of his usual tussles with staff during a tantrum and kicked a staff member. That staff member pressed charges. Marcus spent the night in adult lock up and had a court hearing the next day in front of Judge Yacknin. I can't even describe my feelings. I was panicked and stoic at the same time. No crying, just racing heartbeat. I worried all night.

The next day at court was horrible. Not because the result was bad (a postponement while I got a lawyer; they let Marcus out), but because of the whole process. As much as I hate to say it, we were with a parade of troubling humanity - rapists, harassers, drunk drivers... and there was my son. Despite being 6'8 now, he's just a boy, a young boy at that. When he saw me in the room, I actually thought he was going to smile and wave like I was an audience member at a school performance. I quickly gestured for him to be quiet.

In the end, after several court dates (equally horrible) and thousands of dollars, he received what is called an ACD (adjournment in contemplation of dismissal). What it means is that he had six months to behave after which the case will go away and his record expunged.  Six months is a VERY long time for Marcus. He's gone as long as two months without an episode, but six months?!  All I can really do is hope and pray. And continue our weekly plan for weekend visits. If he doesn't get into a restraint, he comes home Friday to Sunday. He can come home every Sunday no matter what. So far this plan seems to support him getting through a week.

Since the resolution, he's had a good two weeks, although he did hit a staff member in the back. He claims the staff member grabbed his book and called him a "bitch". Says he reported it but nothing happened. We've devised a plan for him to document any times he feels abused by staff so that we can see whether there is a pattern. I'm not sure whether there is, but after the staff pressed charges I wonder.

I wonder why someone who is paid to work with this population would consider pressing charges? I was especially concerned when Marcus said the man told him, "ha, now you're going to jail." What?! So now we're documenting, which I hope stops Marcus from acting out if someone does say something untoward.

So there you have it...why I haven't posted too much recently.

Something positive

We are onto the third week of positive behavior and activities. I'm keeping my fingers crossed but history keeps me on my toes.

Some positives:

• My niece Haydin is in town for writing camp and they are getting along really well. I was so pleasantly surprised since last year didn't go so well. In fact, today we are going to pick Marcus up and go see the new Percy Jackson movie so they can spend some time together. Not a usual activity for sure, but one earned. 
• Marcus and I went to the local Park Ave. fest and he used his allowance to buy a gift for his one-to-one aide. He really is a sweet kid. I love having times with him when this side of his personality comes through. 

All in all it's been a good three weeks. I am too jaded to exhale just yet however. But...you never know. 

Continued drama

Well we have continued the slide down this week. Marcus broke a pair of scissors and brandished them at his one-to-one aide, scaring her and everyone else. They called the police. While talking to the police, Marcus said he wanted to die. That ended up with a trip to the hospital for a mental health arrest. Of course, all they did was restrain him (he lost it) and keep him there for hours, and then send him back to the unit. Although, I have to say I'm glad they didn't take him to jail.

I'm so worried. Marcus is really struggling with suicidal ideation, it turns out. He told me that he decides everyday not to kill himself because he can't stand to leave me <tears>. I'm also worried that he is not understanding that the direction he is going will land him dead or in jail. With the Zimmerman verdict, I'm even more concerned that the police or some other crazy person will shoot him. Marcus doesn't yet understand what it means to be Black in this country.

I'm just all around worried. Worried about him hurting himself...about jail...about someone else hurting him. I have two upcoming meetings on the hill this week where I will express, once again, these worries, and insist that we push back his discharge until this stuff gets under control. Maybe "under control" is too hopeful, but something else has to happen before he comes home. 

Worst nightmare

My worst nightmare came true this week. I have been terrified of Marcus going to jail, especially as he approaches 16 years old. The behaviors he exhibits can put him into jail where he'd be tried as an adult. One thing that I didn't expect was that the fire department can make the decision to have him arrested. He smashed the fire alarm in his room this week and they did arrest him. He ended up spending the night in juvenile hall. He was transported in handcuffs.

The next day we had to appear in court to know what would happen to him. This time they transported him in shackles. After waiting several hours in the lobby, we went before the judge. Luckily, the fire department didn't press charges (they had a lawyer there). We didn't have a lawyer (but clearly should have had one) so the lawyer who happened to be there took care of Marcus's case. It took all of two minutes for the judge to release him. Now he's on probation.

I am still not clear about all my feelings. As a mother, I was terrified of what would happen to him in jail. He's just not prepared for that environment. While he's chronologically 15, he's only about 10 developmentally. I was afraid that the other kids would eat him alive. But they kept him separate from the general population, which was a relief. I'm mad that the cottage let it get this far. I would rather they put him in a restraint than have him pull the fire alarm again, especially now that he's on probation. I'm worried as hell about this happening again.

For now, he's out and at home for the weekend. I'm relieved but worried.

Catching up

It's been a while since I've posted, mostly because life has been happening. Marcus remains in residential at Hillside although we are working actively toward discharge. What that means is we've set a target for September (pushed back from June due to his behavior) and we are having bi-monthly "family" meetings. In fact, I've just come from that meeting.

We arrived for our 1:00 meeting to find that Marcus was in the time away room and was coming close to getting in a restraint. Imagine his surprise when they opened the door and there Morris and I stood? I pointed out to him the irony that we were here for a discharge meeting and he was in time away.

The meeting went well enough I suppose. Marcus remains fixated on finding excuses for his behaviors and on pointing out what we are not doing at home that he wants us to do. We, rather I, remain fixated on him stopping his violent behaviors. He has gone as long as two months but then explodes. I just can't have him exploding like that at home.

Not to mention that when he turns 16 in September, these behaviors become illegal. He simply won't survive jail. An explosion on the street would get him shot by police. Jail or death are simply not acceptable as options, so I'm pushing back on release from residential. Call me a bad mom, but I won't survive those options.