Continued drama

Well we have continued the slide down this week. Marcus broke a pair of scissors and brandished them at his one-to-one aide, scaring her and everyone else. They called the police. While talking to the police, Marcus said he wanted to die. That ended up with a trip to the hospital for a mental health arrest. Of course, all they did was restrain him (he lost it) and keep him there for hours, and then send him back to the unit. Although, I have to say I'm glad they didn't take him to jail.

I'm so worried. Marcus is really struggling with suicidal ideation, it turns out. He told me that he decides everyday not to kill himself because he can't stand to leave me <tears>. I'm also worried that he is not understanding that the direction he is going will land him dead or in jail. With the Zimmerman verdict, I'm even more concerned that the police or some other crazy person will shoot him. Marcus doesn't yet understand what it means to be Black in this country.

I'm just all around worried. Worried about him hurting himself...about jail...about someone else hurting him. I have two upcoming meetings on the hill this week where I will express, once again, these worries, and insist that we push back his discharge until this stuff gets under control. Maybe "under control" is too hopeful, but something else has to happen before he comes home. 

Worst nightmare

My worst nightmare came true this week. I have been terrified of Marcus going to jail, especially as he approaches 16 years old. The behaviors he exhibits can put him into jail where he'd be tried as an adult. One thing that I didn't expect was that the fire department can make the decision to have him arrested. He smashed the fire alarm in his room this week and they did arrest him. He ended up spending the night in juvenile hall. He was transported in handcuffs.

The next day we had to appear in court to know what would happen to him. This time they transported him in shackles. After waiting several hours in the lobby, we went before the judge. Luckily, the fire department didn't press charges (they had a lawyer there). We didn't have a lawyer (but clearly should have had one) so the lawyer who happened to be there took care of Marcus's case. It took all of two minutes for the judge to release him. Now he's on probation.

I am still not clear about all my feelings. As a mother, I was terrified of what would happen to him in jail. He's just not prepared for that environment. While he's chronologically 15, he's only about 10 developmentally. I was afraid that the other kids would eat him alive. But they kept him separate from the general population, which was a relief. I'm mad that the cottage let it get this far. I would rather they put him in a restraint than have him pull the fire alarm again, especially now that he's on probation. I'm worried as hell about this happening again.

For now, he's out and at home for the weekend. I'm relieved but worried.